Pan Xiao

Pan Xiao

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Pan Xiao, in May 1980, China Youth magazine, with a circulation of more than 2 million volumes, published a long letter signed "Pan Xiao", full of young people's confusion. He first put forward the ethical proposition of "subjective for himself, objective for others", and finally exclaimed: "the road of life is getting narrower and narrower..." Then, a nationwide "Pan Xiao discussion why people should live" lasted for more than half a year triggered off, and more than 60000 people wrote to participate in the discussion. This event was later called "the spiritual first love of a whole generation of Chinese youth.". Thirty years later, a woman named Huang Xiaoju wrote to China Youth Daily again, talking about the contradiction and generation gap between herself and her post-80s son, which also implicated that "Pan Xiao" was actually a combination of the names of Huang Xiaoju and Pan Yi.

Personal experience

I am 23 years old. I should say that I have just started to live. But all the mysteries and attractions of life no longer exist for me. I seem to have come to the end of it. Looking back on the road I have come, it is a journey from purple to grey; a journey from hope to disappointment and despair; a journey of thinking that starts from the source of selflessness and ends with self. In the past, my life was full of beautiful vision and fantasy. When I was in primary school, I heard about how steel was made and Lei Feng's diary. Although I can't fully understand it, I can't sleep all night because of the hero's deeds. I also put Paul's famous words about the meaning of life: "a person's life should be spent like this: when recalling the past, he will not regret for wasting his time, nor will he be ashamed for doing nothing..." Gonggong copied the first page of his diary. When the diary was finished, I copied it on the second one. This passage has given me a lot of encouragement. I think that my father, mother and grandfather are all communists. Of course, I believe in communism, and I will join the party in the future. There is no doubt about that. later, I came across a pamphlet published in the past, "for whom to live, how to be a man.". I looked and looked and was completely fascinated. I began to form my original and most beautiful view of life: people live to make others live better; people live should have a lofty belief, when the party and the people need, they will not hesitate to give everything. I am intoxicated with a passion of dedication. In my diary, I write a lot of brilliant words, and even imitate the appearance of heroes in every word and deed. However, I often feel a kind of pain, that is, the fact that I see in my eyes is always in sharp contradiction with the education I receive in my mind. Soon after I entered primary school, the wave of Cultural Revolution began and then intensified. I have witnessed such phenomena: copying the house, fighting and neglecting people's lives; people in my family never laugh; my grandfather carefully prepared for the inspection; young people older than me slandered, played cards and smoked all day; when my aunt went to the countryside, I saw off, and people covered their faces, cried and beat their chests and feet one by one I was a little confused, and I began to feel that the world around me was not as attractive as the books I had read before. I asked myself, do I believe in books or eyes, teachers or myself? I was very contradictory. But at that time, I was too young to analyze these social phenomena. Besides, the past education has given me a strange ability, that is, to learn to close my eyes, to persuade myself, to remember quotations, and to hide in my noble spiritual world. However, later it was no longer possible. The blow of life came to me. That year I graduated from junior high school and my grandfather died. A friendly family suddenly became cold and quarreled over money. My mother in other places refused to send me alimony, so that I could not continue to go to school and became a social youth. I really got a blow. Oh, my God, the relationship between relatives is like this. What will be the relationship between people in the society? I got a serious illness. After getting well, with the help of several good classmates, he wrote to the sub district office and got sympathy. He was assigned to a small factory under collective ownership and began to live on his own. At that time, I still yearned for the truth, the good and the beautiful. Maybe the misfortune of my family was just a special situation. Now I have set foot on life. Life is still full of temptation. She is waving to me. But I was disappointed again. I believe in organizations. But I put forward a suggestion to the leader, which became the reason why I couldn't join the League for many years I turn to friendship. But once when I made a mistake, a good friend of mine quietly wrote down the intimate words I told her and reported them to the leader I'm looking for love. I know a cadre's son. His father was persecuted by the gang of four and was always in a miserable situation. I throw my sincere love and deepest sympathy on him and touch his wounds with my own wounded heart. Some people say that women put all their pursuits into love, and only in love can they get the support of life. This can't be said, it doesn't make sense. Although I was hit outside, but I have love, love gave me comfort and happiness. Unexpectedly, after the gang of four was smashed, he turned over and never paid any attention to me I lay down and didn't eat or sleep for two days. I'm angry, I'm irritable, I'm clogged up like an explosion. Life, you really show your ugly and ferocious face. Is that the secret you show me!? in order to find the answer to the meaning of life, I observe people. I consult the white haired old man, the young man, the conscientious master, the member who gets up early and feels dark But none of the answers satisfied me. For example, for the sake of revolution, it seems that space is irrelevant. Besides, I don't want to listen to those sermons any more. For the sake of fame, it's too far away from ordinary people. There are not many people who are "immortal" and "infamous". For the sake of human beings, it can't be connected with reality. I broke my head for a few points of work, and broke the street for a little thing. How can I talk about being human? For example, eating, drinking and playing Music, can be born naked, dead with a pair of skins, but to the world to go through, it is not interesting. There are many people who advise me why I have to think hard, saying that living is to live, and many people don't understand it. Don't they still live well? But I can't. life, meaning, these words, toss in my mind from time to time, like a noose around my neck, forcing me to choose immediately. I turn to the treasure house of human wisdom - reading books desperately, hoping to get comfort and answers from there. I have read the works of Hegel, Darwin and Owen on Social Sciences, and the works of Balzac, Hugo, Turgenev, Tolstoy, Lu Xun, Cao Yu and Ba Jin. However, reading did not free me from my distress. Masters like a knife sharp pen to uncover human nature layer by layer, let me more deeply see all the ugly things in the world. I marvel that people and things in reality are so similar to those written by masters. No matter I sink into books or come back to reality, I can see the characters of Grantaire and nekhludorf. I lay in bed tossing and turning, thinking, hard to think, hard to think. Slowly, I calmed down and became indifferent. Social Darwinism has given me profound enlightenment. After all, people are human! No one can escape from its own laws. At the moment of stake, everyone chooses according to human instinct, and no one is really devoutly obedient to the lofty morality and belief that are usually talked about. People are selfish, there can be no selfless noble people. In the past, the propaganda was either hypocritical or greatly exaggerated. If not, I would like to ask all the dignified saints, knowledgeable scholars, distinguished teachers and respectable propagandists, if they dare to face themselves, how many of them can escape the rule of fighting for selfish desires? In the past, I had so fanatically believed that "people live to make other people's lives better" and "they are willing to sacrifice their lives for the people". How ridiculous it is to think of it now! seeing through life makes me a person with dual character. On the one hand, I denounce this vulgar reality; on the other hand, I drift with the tide. Hegel said: "all realistic are reasonable, all reasonable are realistic." It has almost become a famous saying for me to pacify myself and heal my wounds. I'm human, too. I am not a noble person, but I am a reasonable person, just like all people are reasonable. I also earn wages, I also care about the bonus, I also learned to flatter, learn to tell lies When I do this, my heart is very painful, but when I think of Hegel's words, my heart is calm again. Of course, I'm not willing to have a dull life. I have my career. I like literature as a child, especially after experiencing the hardships of life, I want to use the pen of literature to write all this. It can be said that I live, and all I do now is for it literature. However, no one seems to understand me. Most of the workers in my factory are housewives. Young girls only talk about perms and wear them. It's hard for me and them to have a common language. They said I was tall and eccentric and asked me if I wanted to be single. I don't care. I think they are vulgar. Being out of tune with the people around me often makes me feel sad and lonely. When I feel terrible loneliness, I feel lonely

Chinese PinYin : Pan Xiao